On Oct 14, 2020, at 2:58 PM, Gwen Meharg <gwen@gwenmeharg.com> wrote:
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Tears in every room of the house. I am bawling in my studio. Jubilee is crying in her room. David is teary-eyed at his computer in an important zoom meeting. The dog did NOT eat J’s homework, I ATE IT!
No, not exactly, but I might as well. In my lame effort to connect, I went in to visit with her during her lunch break. I sat down on her bed and the 49-pound puppy jumped halfway up. To protect her school Chromebook, I closed it. When I did, she lost all of her work for the day. During the LAST WEEK OF the six weeks grading cycle.
She had finished the entire assignments for the day and had even worked ahead some. FOUR HOURS of work (she started early today) and I closed her computer. I ate her homework.
I can’t fix it. Remember when they were little and we could “fix” most of the heartache?
She is a lot like me. She works so hard. She works hard but not quickly. I did not understand how slowly I read until my oldest was seven or eight and I realized that she read faster than I did. We each have a speed, a rhythm, that has nothing to do with intelligence. Jubilee and I are not speedy, particularly when doing “homework”. The best we can hope for is diligence and stubborn will power.
I ATE HER HOMEWORK and there is NOTHING I CAN DO TO HELP!
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What I can do is help myself. I screwed up. But the real issue is WHAT am I going to do NOW? I want to play with the dogs. I would feel better but, honestly, my natural inclination is self-flagellation and wallowing in guilt and condemnation, self-chastisement, and formulating some sort of punishment. Something stupid and not helpful like not allowing myself to enjoy the dogs for the next week or two. It is not helpful. It doesn’t fix anything. It is an unhealthy mental game that I learned very early. Ruminate rather than sleep. Open the door to all the negative voices locked inside my head. Entertain the familial refrains and every unkind word with even just a hint of truth in it. Blow it out of proportion. Throw in a little self-hatred. You are a “bad mother,” “constant disappointment,” “unloveable,” “worthless,” “bad friend,” “ALWAYS mess things up,” “never speaking to you again,” “dead to me.”
During the global pandemic, I have been working hard on my mental wellbeing. Today, I am going to work diligently to NOT do those things which have been my go-to for so very long. Thanks to my counselor, Dr. O, my healthy eating Noom app, The Real Samantha Bennett, and you, I am choosing to navigate a different path.
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I have some new tools. I am thankful for you for having CHOSEN to hang with me. I struggle to believe anyone takes an interest in my art life. THANK YOU!
Dr.O and Noom for the DBT (Dialectic Behavior Therapy) and learning to recognize thought distortions and incorporating a little radical acceptance.
And Samantha Bennett for the magic of sometimes.
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Sometimes I AM a bad mother. More often I am more inadequate than bad, but SOMETIMES I am a bad mother (daughter, sister, wife, friend, acquaintance.) Sometimes I am a good mother (daughter, sister, wife, friend, acquaintance.) (Did you know acquaintance had a C in it? I am incredulous!)
Sometimes I am a disappointment. A disappointment to others. A disappointment to myself.
Sometimes I am a blessing.
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Sometimes others do not love me.
Sometimes I am loved.
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Sometimes I am worthless. Sometimes I am useless.
Sometimes I contribute.
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Sometimes I mess things up.
Sometimes I make things better.
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Sometimes some choose not to speak to me. Sometimes my life is less for their choice and sometimes it is better.
Sometimes kinder, less judgmental people choose to speak to me.
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Sometimes another chooses to kill me in their heart of hearts.
ALL the time, that is their loss.
ALWAYS IT IS THEIR LOSS.
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I deserve better.
YOU deserve better.
WE DESERVE BETTER!
She deserves better, but she has me. Sometimes that weighs heavy on her- like when I eat her homework. Sometimes, as annoying as I am, she knows she is loved.
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Computer-Guru husband was not able to get her work back. I can’t help her. I think I am finished crying. Oops, not yet. I guess I will just keep going. Do the next thing with the energy and determination that I can muster today. Disappointing my children is one of the most painful things that a parent deals with. In disappointing our children, we disappoint ourselves. All those early dreams of being “better parents” than our parents. All those dreams of loving and being loved by the most important humans in our lives.
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In the midst of a global pandemic, during a lunch break, I made things worse. My prayer is that J will forgive me. She is a kind, gentle soul and I think she will. My prayer is that I will forgive myself. I am kind and gentle, SOMETIMES.
If you want something you have seen today, MOST of these are available for whatever you want to donate to EJI. My goal is to raise $6000 for EJI and 100% above shipping ($10) goes to EJI (Equal Justice Initiative.) If you just want to pay for shipping, that is fine, too. I am trying to get the taste of chewed up homework out of my mouth and if I can make your day better, maybe that will help.
In all sincerity, thank you. Gwen
PS It has been a couple of hours and the tears are still just below the surface. J is working diligently recreating her work. I can’t believe the system the school uses does not save work in progress. Will I be ruminating tonight? Probably a little, but I have a plan. I have music and meditations ready to go. Maybe do some tapping. Definitely doing some journaling. I want to do better, to be better. And whatever I end up doing, it will be all I can do. The best I can where I am today. I still can’t fix anything, but maybe I can model forgiving myself. Maybe that is something.
PPS If you are wondering why the Sometimes are different sizes, I don’t know.
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