“Time stops. Reality ceases to exist. And yet time moves on. There is a disconnect. It takes a while to catch up. ”
Storms again last night. Wind, thunder and lightning. This morning, in my little corner of the world, it is as if last night’s storm never happened. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and the breeze is cool. But I know that this is not everyone’s reality.
My sister and Ron were in Wimberly, Texas yesterday helping clean up after the flooding. It rained up river in Llano and they were evacuated before the next round of flash flooding.
So much of life is like this. Death and devastation stops you in your tracks. What was, is no longer. Time stops. Reality ceases to exist. And yet time moves on. There is a disconnect. It takes a while to catch up.
Life, out of time, is surreal. Like living inside a Salvador Dali painting or a science fiction television show. Normal is erased. And yet the world keeps turning. Soon I will look at the news and mourn the loss of others while cherishing the moments of perfection that this morning offers my little corner of Texas.
Tomorrow (May 28th) is the 4th anniversary of the death of my sister’s firstborn. Lauren was killed in a terrible car crash. My sister adopted her granddaughter. There is so much love. There is so much surreality. Memories are sweet and memories are exceedingly painful. Surreality rears it’s ugly head.
“Surreality rears it’s ugly head. I don’t know how to live the dichotomy of life. I struggle to find balance. Maybe balance is the wrong goal. ”
I don’t know how to live the dichotomy of life. I struggle to find balance. Maybe balance is the wrong goal. Maybe juggling is the best we can hope for. A split second in the hand: joy, misery, hope, loss, love, pain, kindness, anger, memory, on and on and on. Is that what being in the present moment is about? The split second in the hand before it is dropped or tossed away?
The month of May, the losses press and permeates our lives like the lingering humidity after the record breaking floods we are experiencing in Texas. Everything is a little harder. Emotions are ragged.
“There is no fixing the loss of a child. There are only bearable days and unbearable days.”
I can’t see my sister tomorrow. I am the big sister. I am supposed to (in my big sister mindset) fix things. There is no fixing the loss of a child. There are only bearable days and unbearable days.
Today we try to focus and celebrate Lauren’s life. Tomorrow we mourn. Today is a beautiful day. I know because I have the video.
PS I have failed to figure out howto attach the video. I will talk to Matthew Sunflowerman Miller and he will fix it for me eventually. Until then, I am sorry. It was a beautiful morning with birds singing and a cool breeze. No indication of the devastation taking place on the other side of town and down river.